Child Support? “Today… I win!” a how to…

The surreal just became real this week…  and before I begin I want to say that my intention for this blog is not to dance on the grave of “he who must not be named”, but rather to cast some light and maybe even sprinkle a smidge of hope into the lives of a thousand other woman of whom so many are affected by men who choose not to maintain their children financially. Yup, I am having a chinwag blog about getting child support – and this in a third world country I might add.

The process was gruelling and arduous, and it took a year and half to achieve rather pleasing results. I personally feel woman need to hear the success stories (and with this little old mines’) – the so called ‘myths’, above all the negative stories, coupled with a few of my opinionated pointers of course, ok.. maybe a lot – take it or leave it.

I can only speak from my own experience, which is deeply rooted in recovery, which I do every day. The first thing I would like to say is that woman need to wake-up. Take the stars out of your eyes. If you have a man who is not maintaining your/his child/ren on a monthly basis, makes bum promises, which do not actually feed your offspring, or says that he has all the intentions in the world of paying… blah blah blah, connect with that elusive reality check asap! Step out of the denial wonderland which makes you feel horrid and fuzzy all at the same time. All you are doing is enabling the demise of your own financial crisis, enabling his bumming ways, which directly affects your child/ren whom you love and are responsible for. There has to be one adult in their lives and if it is you take that jacket and wear it.

Grow. A. Back. Bone – a real one. Stop posting wishful quotes on facebook or wafting on about the inner warrior already. Suit up and go to battle.

Take full responsibility, even though it may not seem fair or only yours to carry – remember, life is not fair. Accept that. Bitter pill – open and swallow. Make seriously conclusive decisions on how you will move forward looking to a new result and follow through no matter what!

Getting angry, emotional, sprawling 1 million emails to him, begging for help, texting or whatever other means one uses to achieve a hopeless break through – STOP! None of this will help you. Yes, maybe you will receive some token of a contribution at first, and maybe just enough to belly crawl your way from one day to the next, but believe me when I tell you… sustaining this will kill you. Too many variables! And to top it all off you are indignifying yourself! He sees you as nothing more than a somewhat noisy and weak irritant. He will tell people how psychotic you are and make you out to be a loony tune stalker chic, and face it – you have given him the ammo and he is ‘luuuurving’ the toxic attention. Come now. Who takes that behaviour seriously? It will only bear you rotten fruit.

(post-it note: I did all of the above and then some – I am guilty of it all, I however hate begging and pleading and I learn really fast… did I mention I have the stamina of a horse?)

Wishing, hoping and whining like a sissy girl is a language of loss – strap on your superhero tank girl bra, lederhosen your big girl panties onto your quivering bum, strap on those 24 hole Doc martins and go kick some proverbial butt.

Next step (when one has decided to take things more seriously)…

When engaging with the authorities be factual, unemotional and have all your ducks in a row by means of proof. Remember everything you are claiming for needs to be proven without a shadow of a doubt. Don’t waste their or your own time – get your paper work truthfully and factually all sorted and together. Also, try to remember that you are just one more case in the gazillions which they are working on. Did I mention to be kind to the authorities…?This is a biggie – no matter how long the process takes. The upside of this is that it is awesome for your karma.

Be reasonable. Trying to take the enamel off his teeth will only land you on the dark side of the scales… (place that fantasy back in your box of torture fantasies tailor made for easing you to sleep late at night). Be fair, even though this may feel like chewing on foil whilst pulling your nails out with pliers. His time will come… your fortitude will be rewarded. This is an endurance life lesson (yes, another fucking growth experience).

Follow the processes and red tape as you should, arrive at every appointment on time and with no expectations, just a well aired compost heap to grow what needs to be grown. This helps a lot with the impatience and irritations – be genuine from the inside out, people are not stupid and can pick up if you are acting… “Fake it till you make it” is such dishonest bullshit, it too will earn you nothing but baby fly maggots.

Get to know the legal system you are working with inside and out, ask questions and then don’t be a ‘know it all’ – people hate those. Get to know the people you will be engaging with and stay on top of your case! Yes, take full responsibility for that too! To contextualise this, don’t bug them either – communicate effectively, ask when you can engage and when it will suit them. Manners plays a huge role.

So, without getting too boring, this is just some of the basics, yet a sound foundation to build on, and for me it was very challenging to not just scream and act out my frustration and complete desperateness. But it paid off in ways I could never of imagined.

Prepare yourself for the plot twists, the snide discrepancies which will be put forward to discredit you. Don’t even be surprised and don’t even deny them! Speak when spoken to and answer the questions about these twisty toffees with facts – hard truthful facts, no emotion! The weirdest things get said and alleged when someone is under pressure or wanting to win – do not be this person!

Oh and lastly, no-one in his corner is going to love you for doing this. They will not throw you a congratulations party for waking up and taking responsibility for looking after you sproglings. Quite the opposite. Prepare for that and do not engage for god’s sakes! Know that their perceptions are theirs and that they are allowed to have them and that that is exactly where it begins and ends.

Einstein says:Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Pixling smiles… sanity zen is the way to go!


Fathers and Angels – not the usual spices…

When I started the magical process of wishing a new being to love back into my life I selfishly wished him to be without children and be without an ex-wife and without the enmeshed co-dependant family chaos I was all too used to living with for such a long time.  One could say my wish list was an impossibility to achieve. I wished a lot of things… 2 and a half pages later I had eeked out the human being I wanted to spend my life with based purely on character.  This recipe process took me a long time to complete.  It was thwart with touching wounds and scars I did not want to look at. I did not know whether I even wanted to love again or whether I would be able to offer another person a healthy or whole enough human being in return. I was also not willing to do anything to actively find this magnificence – I literally said he would need to find me. The bar was set and I was comfortable assuming this person did not exist.

To cut a long story short he ended up being someone I knew…. From childhood through to my teenage years.  He was not one of the ‘featuring crowd’ thugs – he was a strong quiet soul, just always there whilst I was too busy being a metal head goth being too invested in ‘cool’ to really notice. With that said, he did leave a lasting impression – he was one of the kindest people I had ever had the honour of meeting.  Kindness makes me weep… it’s just too beautiful for my soul to contain.

We have currently been together for just over a year and a half and most of the time I was waiting for his demon to arrive… turned out it was there all along and after much contemplation I came to the epiphany that this man is just human, like all us mortals. I realised I did not want to live with a “white washed jesus” – I wanted a human being.  He however was still the kindest being, demon and all, as the days weeks and months elapsed.

I read something beautiful today on the book of face – it was a posting about fathers.  The gist of it was to the effect that fathers are the men who care, not necessarily the bio dads… the commentary seemed sadly to trend mostly towards the men which chose to do this father thing i.e. not the bio dads. It hit me that the man in my life has enveloped me and my children to this extent and he is one of those men who choose to be here! “He who must not be named” has fucked up so holy with his children and has so many conditions set up around them and how they, his blood children must act and accept what he dishes and that they need to place his happiness above all else punishing them severely if they choose different by means of deprivation of medical care,  money and generally ignoring their needs on all levels – yet here is this gift of a human angel who accepts my children like his own and accepts them for who they are – gives all that he is able including the respect we were all so deprived of for so long – he does all this knowing he is not their father and never will be.

I sit in such gratitude of being able to witness this and be a part of it. To acknowledge that there are men in this world who step up to the plate and do it without the ‘bio dad’ recognition demands. He loves me, he loves my children and my wish list came true on levels I was not able to perceive at the time.

Pixling thinks… conjuring this magical being has taught me there are some good men out there.