Cha cha cha….

This morning my phone pings – I assume it’s my usual “Hope for today” swishing into my inbox … it was so was not.  “He who must not be named” sent me another one of his “sorry can’t pay the maintenance” mails and the excuse… “Due to the holidays”.  My inferno combusted! My answer I spoke aloud between heavily clenched teeth was…. “yes, of course, because children don’t eat during the holidays! REALLY!! Again, he is just one of a gazillion jerk-offs out their polluting our world with crap and never taking responsibility… and his justification is (que drum roll) – “well my son does not communicate with me”. No shit Sherlock! After years and years of just never stepping up what the fuck do you expect?! Respect? Thank – you’s? What?

(Breath… humming Om) Needless to say, we had a fantastic xmas (Yule) and a smashing 18th birthday for my ‘boi’ – funded entirely by yours truly – not a bag of chips from the biological male, because face it… he is weak and a loser. Oh and just an additional rant – My daughter communicates with him, yet her College studies are not paid either – they have not been paid the whole year excluding the registration fees – she is facing not being able to continue her studies and has not been allowed to see her marks for the exams written and played.  “Ho Ho Ho (being the operative word to the money hole – no pun intended but works well ;0) Merry Christmas sweetie – sealed with a juicy kiss from daddy because you know I love you!”

Now that the ranting is done I turn to my recovery with some trepidation, because it is said the “this too shall pass” and we are to act with love and compassion toward our fellow human beings – well it’s a tad difficult with thoughts of planting an ACME bunch of dynamite in his arse and detonating it with a glint in the eye… but I breath, blog, do my morning read and realise that I cannot let this fucker fluff my serenity, and that all my kids have in this world is me… the responsibility weighs heavy, the future looks bleak and I wonder how it is that I get through this Addicts chaos time and time again. He pays for very little, no medical, no education, no food, no birthday or xmas gifts… not to mention the daily spends, clothing etc… or being anything close to what a dad resembles… sorry, I have to add…accept to his new family with 4 spawn who call him ‘pappa’, because apparently to them he is an awesome dad… This is where I have to surrender and realise that there is nothing I can do to change this at all, letting it go into the ether is really all I am able to do, as it all becomes too much for me and my rage will eat me alive. It’s hard to fight the resentment and anger and it’s really hard to see my children go through this – I wipe the tears from my daughters face way too often to not to be affected: So, a quick step one, two, three is in order…

Step 1: I am powerless over this arsehole’s behaviour – that my life will not become unmanageable and I will not hand my serenity to him on a platter.

Step 2: I have to believe that a greater force out there will deal the cards.

Step 3: Made the decision to let it go and trust that I am held by these larger rhythmic forces – blessed be.

Pixling ponders… its all a tango (rose in mouth), where’s my coffee….

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