Cloaked Gifts

So I get a letter this week… it is the blathering ramblings of “he who must not be named” typing out all the facts of his financial unmanageability, listing how he cannot pay for anything and his parents are paying for everything etc… how his client may not be honest and may not be sending the money he has been waiting for  for months (since August) nothing, truly, has changed with him and he could in all honesty not be bothered with his children nor his parents and those are the people he claims he loves.

I faced my white hot anger for about a day – spewing fire… and I think I should just accept that this will make me angry no matter how hard I work on it, not being reactive to it.  I just think… “you FUCKING LOSER” !  I barred myself from replying, I am not able to acknowledge such crap even with a nod, and to think I heard this exact same story for years and lived with it!!!  The ease at which he absorbs, takes, sponges off everyone around him blows my socks off. Fact is, I will never be able to change his behaviour, and I get that.

I work I earn.  I paint and sell. I make ceramics and sell.  I will do whatever it takes to keep the wheels turning. My bills are paid and my children’s bills are paid. Why is it that I can do it and not him? 

I met a father who was in my shoes later in the week and I felt everything he spoke of so close to the bone – I thought how ironic it was to see both sides of the fence in one week, and that solidified it for me. If you really want to be involved you will be, if you really want to find a way you will find a way.  Essentially we can all do what we need to and want to do – granted some journeys are harder than others, but it can be done. I am also completely convinced that you wake up as far as you choose to wake up.

Pixling schnarfs… it is what it is and this may be a gift wrapped up weirdly for all to learn from…


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