Fathers and Angels – not the usual spices…

When I started the magical process of wishing a new being to love back into my life I selfishly wished him to be without children and be without an ex-wife and without the enmeshed co-dependant family chaos I was all too used to living with for such a long time.  One could say my wish list was an impossibility to achieve. I wished a lot of things… 2 and a half pages later I had eeked out the human being I wanted to spend my life with based purely on character.  This recipe process took me a long time to complete.  It was thwart with touching wounds and scars I did not want to look at. I did not know whether I even wanted to love again or whether I would be able to offer another person a healthy or whole enough human being in return. I was also not willing to do anything to actively find this magnificence – I literally said he would need to find me. The bar was set and I was comfortable assuming this person did not exist.

To cut a long story short he ended up being someone I knew…. From childhood through to my teenage years.  He was not one of the ‘featuring crowd’ thugs – he was a strong quiet soul, just always there whilst I was too busy being a metal head goth being too invested in ‘cool’ to really notice. With that said, he did leave a lasting impression – he was one of the kindest people I had ever had the honour of meeting.  Kindness makes me weep… it’s just too beautiful for my soul to contain.

We have currently been together for just over a year and a half and most of the time I was waiting for his demon to arrive… turned out it was there all along and after much contemplation I came to the epiphany that this man is just human, like all us mortals. I realised I did not want to live with a “white washed jesus” – I wanted a human being.  He however was still the kindest being, demon and all, as the days weeks and months elapsed.

I read something beautiful today on the book of face – it was a posting about fathers.  The gist of it was to the effect that fathers are the men who care, not necessarily the bio dads… the commentary seemed sadly to trend mostly towards the men which chose to do this father thing i.e. not the bio dads. It hit me that the man in my life has enveloped me and my children to this extent and he is one of those men who choose to be here! “He who must not be named” has fucked up so holy with his children and has so many conditions set up around them and how they, his blood children must act and accept what he dishes and that they need to place his happiness above all else punishing them severely if they choose different by means of deprivation of medical care,  money and generally ignoring their needs on all levels – yet here is this gift of a human angel who accepts my children like his own and accepts them for who they are – gives all that he is able including the respect we were all so deprived of for so long – he does all this knowing he is not their father and never will be.

I sit in such gratitude of being able to witness this and be a part of it. To acknowledge that there are men in this world who step up to the plate and do it without the ‘bio dad’ recognition demands. He loves me, he loves my children and my wish list came true on levels I was not able to perceive at the time.

Pixling thinks… conjuring this magical being has taught me there are some good men out there.


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