Un – Code -pending Thoughts

“The chemically dependent partner numbs the feelings and the non-abuser is doubled over in pain – relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies,” – Janet Geringer Woititz

As I read this sentence today I felt like I was side swiped by the biggest (eco-friendly of course) light bulb… It keeps bringing me to my knees this discovery of co-dependency.  Needless to say the rest of the chapter was as mind blowing, but this sentence rewound me to a time where all I was convinced of ever feeling was complete and utter brain melting anger.  It took me almost 2 years after separating from the thankfully now ‘ex’ to start feeling other emotions.  I honestly thought that the angry star I was already born under was a screaming comet destined to supply electricity to the darkest Mordor ever known to man or myth… Oh, and the fantasies referred to in the sentence were not good ones… they usually entailed a fork and an eye.

Turns out I was using… jip, intravenous anger and adrenaline to survive from one day to the next, tripping balls on the chemically, off the planet dependent… and I was using every day.

I remember thinking so often… “I wish I was as fucking  numb as you are… feeling absolutely nothing whilst I am reliving my own Hara-kiri like a reoccurring nightmare…”

It did occur to me (not as often as it should have, but often enough) that “I can change this…”, but it felt like I (and my insides) was cemented into this spiral for all eternity and that I could see no clear way of getting out of this without completely destroying myself  – How magnificently wrong I was.  It took an extremely strong therapist to say to me “when you are ready to take yourself seriously then so will I, until then… I wish I had one of you in my life. You’ll keep supplying me with money, clean up my mess and make excuses for my bad behaviour etc.”

The finely honed victim in me was devastated, whining and crying crocodile tears about the whole world being against me, including a paid professional! But it hit home. There was still a droplet of sanity in me to water the seed she had planted. It saved my life. After 6 months with her I finally plucked up the smallest quivering bit of courage to leave. Weak and crawling on my belly yet I still managed to move.

Pixling thinks…. Un-coding is a beautiful discovery!


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