Beatus Exsisto – Blessed be our existance

So the ‘twins’ have been born and we are now in the healing process of these magnificent tattoos for the next 10 days – a daily reminder as planned. I woke up this morning plagued again with many thoughts and it is the one thing I suppose which happens – These ever compulsive thoughts are brought on, and with more intensity, after ‘he who will not be named’ has made contact.  Contact now only happens with my daughter, the only person left who still sadly falls for his self centered manipulations, my son has chosen not to have his father in his life… So ‘he who must not be named’ calls to say he wants to have coffee with her, to discuss a list of topics, mixes in a couple of hard hitting emotional issues – then proceeds to tell her, sorry he cannot talk now he is driving and nothing is heard from him again.

At times I am still so surprised at the nature of addiction – I have learnt that addiction is a behavioral illness and has very little to do with the use of substances actually, the ‘using’ part is just a symptom of the illness, addiction itself lies hidden, deeply entrenched in behavior of the personality – hence ‘dry drunks/junkies’ – they may not be using at all anymore, but the personality defects and essentially the patterning of it are those of a using addict – business as usual.  It has become clearer over time for me to understand.  As per example given, he calls, he broaches some serious topics creating a little chaos whirlwind and emotional upset and then… true to form, disappears.  With all that said, it however does not remove the intense anger I feel towards him putting his children through all of this…. Again! What he has done to his children is unforgiveable and has changed them as people forever!  But how can I expect a person like this to have any insight to what he keeps creating?

He has found a new woman (booze bottle, joint, line of cocaine – just the packaging is different and we lovingly refer to her as ‘fugly’ – she is effing ugly from the inside out) who has four children, who don’t live with her, but live with their father – she only sees them over weekends, and when she feels like it, and then they reside at *his new home. My daughter was made to babysit them for a total of five days when she stayed with him whilst ‘fugly’ and ‘he who must not be named’ busied themselves in his bedroom upstairs.  He broke his daughters’ heart, yet has no feeling for it and expects her to carry his happiness at heart… bizarre behavior? Never in the past year did he have the time or finances to take my children away on holiday (his parents have a beautiful holiday home on the coast) yet he has all of this to his disposal now, for the new ‘double bagger’.

Pissed of? Yes. Feeling like I am dealing with the repercussions of a ‘Jeckle and Hide’? Yes. Is he unmanageable? Yes. All of it pointing to one road and one road only. Destruction. Do I want to deal with that again in the cyclical pattern I have for 20 years? Hell NO! But going through a divorce with an addict, this addict, is daunting and for now nothing more than money squandering, money which my children are in desperate need of.  Something has got to give, and I need to trust that I, we, will get through this eye of the needle – after all we have been doing it for a year and a bit, and looking back I have actually done this for 20 years on my own.

Pixling contemplates in strength… Beatus Exsisto


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