The Nature of the Monster

Open heart surgery, I think, would have been so much more easier than going through this – not that I am undermining open heart surgery, please don’t get me wrong, but this is an ever evolving monster with no meds to cure it or the symptoms.   The complete obliteration of the super fantasy in my head of the ‘happy family’ and spoken lies, from not so long ago, of  “you have stolen my heart, and I want to grow old with you” have haunted me, was sold to me.  Thoughts like:

  • years after the marriage, the addiction, the struggles, the broken promises, the affair and finally  ‘The Event’, this story will be remembered by my children, deeply, retold to their children, my grandchildren.
  • ‘family’ visits will always be a juggle for my children and for me.  Who sees who when? Not to forget the side order of emotional crap to go with that – for the rest of this lifetime.
  • Sharing room space and important events with a person who I completely disrespect, weddings, births, funerals…… moments which may be important to my children. Those will always be plagued with this legacy.  That is why (my therapist says is more than normal) “death” would be so much easier for many people to endure…. far less shit to contend with.
I am still married and in the midst of divorce proceedings.  The waste of money makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.  We separated under the conditions of staying true to our marital oaths and that after a year apart we would sit down and see where we both were at, where our children were at, after all we were married for almost 20 years.  But true to 20 years of destructive patterns he as plagued this process too with a third party forcibly thrown into the mix – no doubt twisting his tale into one of  ‘poor me’. I am convinced there is a handbook out there written and followed by many on how to be the perfect victim. Hindsight they say is always 20/20 vision and clearly this fuckwit has never really had anything other than his own “happiness” (I use this term loosely) in mind (I was going to use the word heart, but that would indicate he has one… therefore changed).
Now I look to me and how naive I was to have trusted his empty words and broken promises.  This blog will be a Eulogy of all I have been through told as honestly and soberly as I can – It is my wish that others post their stories because alone in this I am not and neither should anyone else be going through this.
Pixling signs…over and out.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. elizabeth2560
    Jul 04, 2012 @ 15:23:34

    Thanks for sharing, and yes I am one going through a similar experience. trying to think positive but it SO hard…..


  2. Pixling
    Jul 16, 2012 @ 11:43:49

    Thank you for you comment – it is hard to stay positive, but it happens over time, and for me, maby in my future, I will be able to believe again.


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